Transport

I, for the most part, like London Transport.


I can imagine an instant recoil as you read those words. Like and London Transport without the 'I fucking don't' in the middle.


I don't travel on tubes, and maybe this is part of the reason. You won't see me on a tube for Love nor Money, or for 'ease of journey'... and don't understand why you lot do it either. Tiny carriages packed full of sweaty, angry commuters, all breathing into one another's faces... and then the tube -the size of a Hornby model train- stutters to a halt in a tunnel. Oh Yes Please. I'd love that. I would love to be stuck 25ft underground with no means of escape with a group of nauseating humans all despising each other for stealing precious, albeit boiling, oxygen. Sweat leaking from every place I didn't think possible as the 40 degrees heat rises rapidly... Only to be told ABSOLTULEY NOTHING by the 'driver' at the front of the tube, who is probably just a Debenhams shop mannequin. I'm getting sweaty palmed just typing about it (which is ironic as that is making it harder to type).


I have no idea whether tube journeys give TFL a good or a bad name... although I'll presume it's bad as I don't hear much good about them. Does it depend on which colour line you travel on I wonder? Or it is an all round bad service. Could there be anything done to improve it? Now, as a non tube-traveller, I surely shouldn't be allowed to answer that question, but this is my blog so I'm ruddy well going to.


What could be done to improve the tube (besides removing it all together) ?

• i) Having the tube carriages, and everything within them, painted the same colour as the line it's on. For instance the District Line would be Grass Green on the outside. The internal would be Apple Green and the seats- Minty Green

• ia) Further to point i) all tube lines would now have food services running in them but the food served would be the same colour as the line : Central line -Strawberries, Circle line - mash, Picadilly -Bluberries, Northern -Marmite or licorice, Bakerloo -chocolate, Jubilee -tin foil... It's a great idea.

• ii) Having morris dancers in each carriage to cheer people up when the tube gets stuck. It wouldn't become annoying.

• iii) The picadilly line, which is the deepest, wouldn't have any tubes running through it at all. Only tunnels full of water. You would get to work on a giant flume.

• iv) At night times the carriages would have mirror balls.

• v) The circle line would have all its stops removed. And would go around much faster. A bit like Alton Towers.

You see the possibilities are endless.


Bus journeys, to me, are far more pleasant. The jolly bus driver at the front who waves 'hullo' as you hop on board, the old man in the flat cap sitting beside you who tells you about his beautiful wife at home who he's taking some flowers to, the wandering scenery of lush trees and acres of foliage... Ok so that's all crap. The bus drivers a grumpy sod who wishes you were on the tube instead of making his day hell, the man in the flap cap stinks and keeps staring at you and there's kids at the back of the bus listening to Kphat, or whatever the hell he's called, at full volume . But it's not the tube. I can see trees, and sky, and every now and then I can see someone on the street smiling. And I think that's nice.


So I guess that's why I like London Transport. You can't really go wrong with a bus. If it breaks down -jump on another, if it's hot and humid -open the window. For all the reasons I hate the tube, I love the bus. And I think you should too. Unless you're agoraphobic.